{lack·a·dai·si·cal}

:: lacking life, spirit, or zest ::

lackadasical. shut down. lacking inspiration. not sure where to go. what to do. what to say.  i'd rather sleep than get up.  i'd rather be lazy than productive.  the joy is missing.  i'm second guessing everything.  let's just be honest here.  i've not felt like myself for a few weeks now.  now every now & then i'll have a moment like this, but this one is not leaving and it goes deeper than ever before and this is hard for me to write and put out there because it means i have to be honest & vulnerable. 

and here's the kicker... i know where it's coming from.

my priorities are out of whack.  i've been selfishly taking my path, doing my thing and what i think is best for me, and i've forgotten about the One who loves me more than i can ever even begin to imagine.  shoved Him to the side like i don't really care.  like i don't need Him.  i can do life all by myself.  i've doubted everything i've known.  wondered if forgiveness was real.  i've been doubtful, scared, angry & running and really scared to stop.  i've felt forgotten, entitled, & owed something.  those dreams that are so tightly woven in my heart feel so far away, feel impossible. i could go on & on, but you get the idea.  i've chosen to believe these lies.  but i keep going... keep living in this fog and it's time to get out. 

time to make the decision to put Him first in ALL things.  my heart, my mind, my soul.  my perspective on this life i've been given, my time, my job, my dreams, my relationships. 

so this is where i've been.  no need to cover it up. but i'm also putting this out there to hold myself accountable of where i'm going.  i'm choosing Him, i'm choosing life and to live it by His design.  not by what the world says will make me happy.  i'm choosing to rearrange my priorities in order to seek a close knit relationship with the lover of my soul. i'm clinging to paul's prayer for the ephesians...and let's face it folks, in this fallen world that we live in, when looking at the BIG, eternal picture, what's really more important than that?

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and i couldn't blog without a picture and i thought this would would fit best.  even though they're not all in there, i'm so thankful for my family.  to be loved when you feel so unworthy is getting me through this.  they listen to me yack, work through my life, and love me anyway.  and really...how cute are my nieces? and my sister of course :) their bright smiles, hugs around my neck, and laughter get me through these tough days. 

{happy.friday}

aw