{epic fail... or at least that's what i've been thinking}

so... i seem to be at a loss for words... or maybe it's just i have so many words swimming around in this head of mine that i can't make any of them into complete thoughts.  they've been bouncing around in my head for about a month or so now and i might go crazy.  this season of life sometimes stops me in my tracks and unfortunately holds me captive there and i'm over it.  i haven't known what to blog about so today i decided i would just start typing a see what comes out...

so i failed... an epic fail in my book.  remember that whole "operation weight loss" thing last year?  that really awesome time last year where i lost almost 30 pounds?  yeah that was really cool... you know what's not cool?  finding 20 of those pounds that i lost.  yep.  *sigh*  at first when i realized it, i was completely defeated...and i know you're probably asking, "how did just just "realize" that you gained 20 pounds?" let's face it folks.  i'm REALLY good at lying to myself and ignoring the obvious. i wanted to just throw in the towel and say "well i tried, but i failed.  i can't do it."

...but you know what?  the Lord's been whispering to my bleeding heart.  "it's ok my love.  i still love you regardless and i want you to get up and go again.  i'm changing who you are on the inside"  that old saying "if at first you don't succeed, try try again" has been playing on repeat for the last week or so in my head and i've realized a lot about personal disciplines and how imperative they are.  sadly, i developed some pretty lazy habits at a young age that i love to blame on my laid back nature, but when i'm truly honest with myself, they're just nasty, yucky, bad habits that i have to step out and do something if they're going to change.

i'm really beginning to understanding how eminent disciplines are for me to grow into the woman that God created me to be. whether they're spiritual disciplines or physical disciplines, they are greatly needed and even when i fail, i HAVE to get up and try again.  i can't let fear of what other people think or if i'll fail again paralyze me from getting up, dusting off my shoes, and going at it again...

i think all of these thoughts of mine finally ran over last night after reading this post from photographer, natalie norton.  i urge you to read it if you have ever struggled with being disciplined with exercise and need some encouragement.

well... i guess that happens when you just start typing out some of those swimming thoughts, those honest, raw, icky thoughts that have been festering in my head.  now you can hold me accountable or gently guide me to the right way if you see me stumbling and falling again to that epic fail. 

so here i go... i'm trying again and God willing, these disciplines will work their way into every fiber of my being and stick. i'm praying that wholeheartedly.  i long to be a woman of discipline, a healthy woman, a strong dancer, a strong skiier, and so much more!!  your prayers would be much appreciated.

{happy.friday.friends}

aw

"no chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. every chance in the world if you trust God to do it."

"I am made to rise up, do battle with my issues, and using the Lord's strength in me, defeat them - spiritually, physically, and mentally - to the glory of God."

"be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress." I timothy 4:15 (NIV)

8 weeks ago to the day i began my "battle" with my weight & i set out on my weight loss journey to defeat this overwhelming issue in my life. (you can read my orignial post by clicking here) today, by God's grace and a lot of prayer, i can stand before you & say that with God's armor during this battle, i have won and that it was easy!!

{i met & exceeded my goal}

{i lost 27 pounds}

{i lost 24.75 inches.}

{i feel amazing}

i have learned a new healthy lifestyle in this process & i know that i only get 1 body while i'm here on this earth & i will no longer take it for granted. last night i was listening to fiona apple's "extraordinary machine" & realized that phrase is EXACTLY what the human body is. an amazingly complex, extraordinary machine! if we give our bodies what it needs, it can do amazing things!

i have been beyond blessed to have a body that works well & i truly believe this is the 2nd miracle that God has worked in my life. the first is that i am here & i am healthy. as you may remember, i was a preemie, coming into this world at 26 weeks & weighing only 2lbs & 14 oz, i could have had a myriad of problems, but i was healthy. i am healthy & glory be to God for my health!

my continued prayer from here on out that i glorify God with how i eat & the way i live my life for the remainder of my days. i hope that anyone out there who struggles with anything can see that with God, all things are possible. with Him, you can overcome anything!

"Jesus looked hard at them and said, "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it." - matthew 19:26 (the message)

{this is me as of now & i'm extremely happy for 2 reasons}

1. i've officially lost 21.5 pounds & i'm 5 pounds away from my goal

2. i'm leaving for one of my favorite places on earth in just a few hours.

beech mountain, nc!

one BIG thing that God is teaching me through this whole weight loss process is that he is molding me into the woman He created me to be. not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, & every other aspect of my life. I've learned so much about eating healthy and what all natural foods can do to your body. we were created to eat this way & our bodies thank us so much when we do, but...

i am also quick to remember. this weight loss is not what defines me.

the following song filled my heart when i was in college. it's entitled "beautiful" by bethany dillon. a positive self-image has been a struggle of mine for years. i wanted to be what i thought was beautiful, but i quickly found that my definition of beauty was what the world has defined as beautiful... physical beauty.

my prayer began to change drasticially & i wanted what Bethany sings in this song. i wanted God to look inside my heart & find me beautiful... from the inside out! i hope you find her words as inspiring as i have!

I was so unique

Now I feel skin deep

I count on the make-up to cover it all

Crying myself to sleep

cause I cannot keep their attention

I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?

I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]

I want to be beautiful

Make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart, and be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

Just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me

Fighting to make the mirror happy

Trying to find whatever is missing

Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful

You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed

I love to hear You say

Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful

and counting!!!

that's right, as of today, i have officially lost 16 pounds!

i'm completely amazed at how long i tried to work out SO hard to loose weight, but now that i've just changed my diet (& i'm pretty sure i'm excercising less) i've actually lost the weight! my original goal was 25 pounds & if i can keep it up, i'll be there in no time! my time frame was 8 weeks & it's only been 3. my plan is to see how i feel once i hit my goal of 25 pounds & then go from there.

i feel great!!! i'm learning how to eat healthy, eating almost every meal at home or work, & trying some new things i've never had before. this is a huge lifestyle change for me & honestly something i should have done a long time ago. i want to be healthy in mind, BODY, & spirit. i also can tell that my skin is LOVING all this healthy food & water i'm drinking.

i'd be lying though if i didn't say that i still have my moments. take this morning for example, one of our company reps brought in a yummy breakfast of bagels, muffins, & soufles from panera... AND she brought in COFFEE. oh wow it smelled good, but i was good & didn't eat anything! i'm sticking to my guns on this.

i'm thankful that strawberries, watermelons, & canteloupes are all in season. i've filled my meals with fish, chicken, salads, avacados, asparagus, tomatos, eggs, cheese, turkey bacon, green peppers, onions, mushrooms, yogurt & a whole lot more! here are 2 of my recent dinners.